"and sometimes you're happy,
sometimes you cry.
half of me is ocean,half of me is sky."
i miss this little place where i feel safe and alone.
safe is not a real problem for me right now,
alone is, though.
i guess you can't have it both ways and i should not complain
well, truly i'm not complaining
simply a statement of fact
i am never alone.
even now, i have a beautiful man sleeping not too far from me on my sofa
i guess it's nice in many ways.
if i feel bad, i always have someone to talk to.
i guess a barometer reading would be desirable right now
i am bumping up and down in the little red wagon of lifei'm learning to love while being in love.
i'm a girl.
female.
this may seem obvious so some but it has been an issue with me for as long as i can remember.
as a child, i wanted safety.
i thought this came from being male.
boys aren't 'stupid' and 'useless'
boys are wanted
boys don't get hit for no reason
boys are stronger
then, as a teen i craved a different kind of safety
boys take and hurt
girls are taken and hurt
boys are tougher and cold
girls are vulnerable and they feel
i somehow learned to hate what made me a girl as it was unfolding to womanhood
i try to reconcile it and for the most part do fine
but there are times
times that seriously try me
like when i bleed.
and when i get really pissed for no reason
or when i get contrary and i don't know why but my mouth is on autopilot
and i can't find the key to stop it
or when i hate people not for something they did to me
but for something i dreamed that they did
or when i feel the need to strike with one hand and heal with the other
but mostly when i just don't understand myself.
i'm just lucky that there are a few people who love me even when i'm an irritating bitch