this was once angst and bitterness

all full of anger, pain, dreams and indignation

now, it's all about love, happiness and sappy stuff
that makes me feel all warm and good
but would have made me puke six months ago.

it seems i am actually living all i ever wanted instead of sitting on a computer dreaming about it

i know the emotions are still here,
somewhere,
under this surface of moonbeams and whispers,
touches and grins
but i just can't quite reach them right now.

i hardly think of the past anymore.
i think of the future without the dread i used to feel when i'd steal a quick glance in that direction.

if i thought up a whish list right now,
i'd have to think very hard on what i could possibly ask for.

then i'd fill in the few lines with frivolities
only crumple the paper and toss it on second thought.

more money
(more money would only breed more bills and trouble)

more music
(well, maybe i'd leave this one ~ i can share the joy of music . . .)

more room
(we are working on this already, so skip wishing for it!)

a real computer
(why? so i could veg in front of it when i could be paying attention to the ones i love?)

i was skinnier
(but if it was that important to me, wouldn't i be the size 12 or 14 that i want to be by now?)

a day where he and i could both share each others bodies at the same time and do all the things we both like doing most
(well, this one is pure fantasy, anyways . . . but it'd be fun and interesting!)

and i can't think of anything else i'd ask for . . .

maybe i could add 'understanding my daughter more',
but what parent in the whole world doesn't always wish they understood their kids better?

"when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in"

thirtythree written 2001-09-04