i have been away too long
i am in a personal crisis right now
and it's confusing mei used to write out my troubles, worries, thoughts, whatever . . .
and i'd feel better.
i'd put them all up here for me to look back on
and, admittedly, for the people i love to read and respond if they wanted
and this helped me sort out the wheat from the chaff.
i'd get it all ordered and move on.
but now i can't and i don't know why.
no, wait, i do know why.
i got laid off.
i have some major issues of self worth, and whether i have the right to exist
so not being useful and not having a job has hurt me.
it has also frayed my relationships with everyone around me.
i feel depressed
~ a savage anger at myself ~
for something i couldn't control.
to make it worse, the job market is slower than a river of honey on the coldest day in antarctica.
and no one wants to interview.
no one wants to accept an application
no one wants to see your unemployed pathetic face hanging about when they, themselves are laying off their own people
and i fear the rejection of trying for something wildly different.
i want to go to school and be a teacher.
a grade school teacher.
yes, i am both crazy and masochistic, so what?
i guess i'll see how things go this week.
i signed up with a temp agency and got my first job starting tomorrow.
next week, the world!