i am not working
i am in love
What does one have to do with the other?everything and nothing.
i have a lot of hang-ups
i know this, you know this, everyone who knows me knows this.
they have always been my protection before
now they are a detriment.
i hurt him the other day out of fear and self-pity
this is inexcusable and horrid.
i'll back up some an explain.
i have never known unconditional love.
never.
my mom chose my step-dad and he chose my half-sister.
i was the freak in the family that no one knew quite what to do with
and most were relieved that i didn't hang around much.
my supposed friends were, for the most part, pretty fickle.
my ex never loved me as far as i can tell.
he simply molded me into what he thought he wanted
and ditched the project when it wasn't turning out as planned.
"what have you done for me lately?"
has always been the basis of my worth to others.
~
when it come to taking care of me,
it's always been my job.
no one else was going to do it.
i had to keep a job
and make more money
and take care of everyone else, too.
all too often, i would skip 'me' and focus on others
until i got sick or broke or both.
i have always been the responsible one with a crazy streak.
i made sure the bills were paid but thumbed my nose at convention.
this endeared me to many, but at a distance.
that becomes awfully lonely, i can promise you.
~
i got laid off on tuesday and freaked out.
if i do not earn something, i feel like i don�t deserve it.
with out a job, i shouldn't be allowed to eat, have my child, or even live.
~
my self-worth was now shot as i didn't have a job,
i was still in shock since there was no warning,
i've been sick, in pain, and grumpy,
and i gained about 50 lbs so i felt ugly.
he told me it would be ok and that we'd make it fine.
i was terrified he was saying that as he planned his escape.
it was totally unfounded and stupid, i know,
but that is my biggest fear.
when he didn't leave i told him i didn't deserve him
and that he should have someone so much better than i.
ok, yeah, so i need to hit myself over the head with my hammers . . .
i still can't quite grasp the fact that he's still here.
i sometimes wake up and roll over to stare at him
and run my fingers across his skin
until he wakes up and smiles at me.
i cherish how 'new' it all still feels to me.
i never want to take him for granted or get bored.
i want to feel the same feeling in 50 years as i do today
when he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me.
i feel loved.
i feel happy.
i feel good.
i love him so much i fear my heart would burst from it . . .