dreams
they keep me up all night
i light a candle . . .turn on soft music . . .
turn off all sounds and lights
toss
turn
turn the ac down until i'm huddled under a quilt
turn it up and put a fan on
bury my head under the pillows
curl my arm around the stuffed cow . . .
it's all no good
there are times, when i am depressed, when i sleep for days on end.
then there are times, like now, when sleep would be a joyous occasion
and cause for celebration.
i have been adding layers on my headache
~ much like a dung beetle rolling his charming ball of shit ~
for the last few days and bad nights.
if i doze off for as little as fifteen minutes,
i have dreams of killing . . .
fantasies of blood and gore and the feel of flesh slicing under my fingers tipped in claws
mayhap i should lay off the horror movies and literature for a while
sometimes there are other dreams
me living happy and secure in a house with my daughter
life working out well, we have a few horses and some chickens
we pick flowers and make crafty stuff to sell in a little shop we own in town . . .
then que the zombies in the middle of dinner with friends.
or the terrorists led by the greasy wide-eyed fanatic speed-king with the uzi
whatever it is it turns ugly and i stop being peaceful
i wish i could sell these dreams to someone else and be rid of them
i tried to do a reading on myself yesterday and i got confused.
i may have turned the cards around and the reading could therefore go either way.
i have either met a great guy
and i will react normally and scare him away
and end up unhappy
or
i have met a seemingly great guy who is really a raging liar
i will react normally and refuse him repeatedly
and end up happy without him
there is a reason i don't do readings for myself.
the few times i try to i get stupid answers like this.
my deck loves me and is good to me during other readings
but it loves to fuck with me when i try to bend a few rules.
it never answered the question i was asking
~ didn't even address or acknowledge it ~
and i would not ask about love and relationships.
i think they are laughing at me.
and without sleep,
i am not in the mood to be laughed at.
i am a little edgy and twitchy and bitchy and a lot of other words that and in 'y'
'amused' and 'tolerant' do not end in 'y'.
i finally fell asleep at five am only to wake at six-thirty to go to work