i know what happened
i just don't know how
i was in a hole trying to dig my way outwhen i was backhanded with freedom,
i faced it with fear.
my insides were quivering with terror
and a sickness slid around the broken jelly i was made of.
i was so afraid and angry i felt helpless
i let myself feel hopeless
that's when i stopped trying
any more than the token effort that i pretended was enough
he overlooked it all
he didn't complain when i did nothing all day
he never pointed out that i could be the one to clean
he never once said that maybe we could get this or that if i was working
he didn't even get upset when i spent money we didn't have.
i was starting to think he didn't care.
then, today he cried.
i was so deep into the depression
that i never noticed how hard i pushed him
and how bad it was hurting him.
i spent a month feeling sorry for myself
being angry at the stupid fuckers who would cut off their nose
to make a new toe
i tortured myself with a temporary job i hated
i quit that without anything more than a vague promise or possibility
i made excuses as to why i couldn't look for another one when that 'possibility' went nowhere
i buried myself in the computer
and worked and created and wrote
for people i don't know
and i ignored the ones who love me.i snapped at the child who needed me
i needled the man who supports me
i let down the friends who count on me
and i did it while going out of my way for strangers
i feel ashamed of my behavior
i know that that will not be enough for me to change it
i am scared
i am twenty-seven years old
and i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up
and i keep making excuses to not have to figure it out.
why do i have to be the older one?
why couldn't i have had an elder sibling to help me when i'm lost?
why is that that i sit here at this computer
asking questions of no one in the middle of the night,
redefining futile
while the love of my life sleeps alone?