sometimes i wonder
when did the apathy creep in?
how did it wrap around my mindand slip its fangs into my heart
infecting my soul with this blankness?
that is what this is, right?
there was a time i was full of piss and vinegar
ready to scream or dance
everything right at the surface
just ready to burst
now, the only thing ready to burst forth is my temper
but even that is fleeting.
i once had so much to say i needed every second to say it
is this what contentment does to you?
strikes you dumb,
ties up your tongue,
straps your hands behind you?
i can't say i'm unhappy
i'm not.
i can't say i'm happy
i'm not
i'm in love
but he is not my whole world
there are things that make me who i am that do not revolve around his touch
but for some reason, i'm only technicolor when he is with me.
he wants to marry me
i don't know why, but he does.i have shown him everything and still he loves me
i am shy of such things
once i held on to the only game in town
desperate to not be alone
if he lapsed into that it might kill me
i can't love 'just a little'
i dove into him the first time i looked into his eyes
i think that 'love' fades
but 'being in love' is forever
please don't let this just be 'love'
i fear him growing up
as much as i know he will
i fear it will push us apart
i grew up once
didn't like it much so i regressed
or do i digress?
sometimes i am so sure of myself
and i just know that we are in love
other times, i feel all grown up and cynical.
it it really all about believing?
is that honestly all it takes?
if so, why do i have such a hard time maintaining my belief in anything?
is it that i have a hard time believing in me?
is that because i crumple under other people's censure of my life?
i am so fractured right now,
so flighty and unable to focus
i feel like i am full of nothing
but full nonetheless.
i feel weird
i feel like i need to question something
but i'm not sure what
so i am sitting here
rambling on love and life
wondering why we do all this at all
but knowing i don't want to give it up.
i feel like yelling out the answers to everything
then saying, "but you first!"
i don't know what i should feel right now
i just want to feel his arms like home,
offering comfort and rightness
i just want to feel his breath on my neck
raising the goosebumps
i just want to hear his whisper slip into my ear
telling me this is all real
i am so twisted up and far from warm right now
my nose is tingling,
my eyes are burning
but there are no tears
and my hands are too cold to touch my heart.