i don't bring much reality here
i leave out the mundane details
what i give here is my internal landscapesomething i can't just take snapshot of
the place i have to map out in the dark
slowly feeling with fingers and toes
bumping my head and bruising my knees.
it's not always an easy place to be
for me, or you
though you have it easier, sometimes
you are only a computer that i write to
and the few people who pick up this issue worked hard to find it
and choose to stay and hover near so i can feel their warmth and compassion.
lately the carnival ride of depression has been a little too much for me.
i have failed to document much of it,but, as you can tell, when i did release my thoughts
to flow wild and free upon this key board
they do not make much sense.
i spoke with my love and suggested putting myself back on medication.
this is not what i want
i love the way my mind works
it's not usual
it's strange and beautiful
i look at everything differently
i come up with alternate solutions
i have the best conversations in my own head
i'm never bored.
medication dulls my mind
blurs my thinking
slows me down until i feel sluggish and stupid.
it also evens out my moods and stabilizes my emotions.
i have a few weeks before
the insurance at my new job takes hold of me
so we may re-evaluate then
but as things stand,
i am not as i should be.
the deal is broken
and i need to do something
before i become a danger to myself and others
just like before.
i have fought too hard for the life i have now
to let that happen again.