there are days
when i am one of the happiest people i know
and then days
when i know exactly how much i've lost.

yesterday i needed my safe place,
the one place in all the world
that i have ever felt
contended,
happy,
protected
and safe.

the one place that is irrevocably gone.

i needed to hear someone tell me
that i will not ever have to face
anything
completely alone,
but there was no one there to speak.

i needed to lie down
and wrap my blue heart
in your black one
and be still and quiet
until the storm within us both passed us by
leaving us soaked and covered in it's wreckage,
but whole and undivided.

i needed to see you walk away
and know,
just know,
deep in my heart,
that you were walking a circle
that would bring you back to me.

i needed to give to you all that was within me
everything you forever refused to ever take.

i needed to know you were safe and secure,
not barefoot hurting
and balanced precariously
on a knife edge
with infinity falling away on either side.

i wanted to be able to stop feeling guilty for doing so well
because i worked hard to get where i am today
and i should be proud of what i have accomplished.

i wanted to feel proud of what you have done in your life
but you refuse to do anything worth cheering on.

i was driving home when suddenly i felt it
the feeling i had
the first time your hand accidentally brushed my arm
and my whole body was stunned
as if i'd grabbed an electric fence.
that feeling mellowed and settled in my stomach that day
and hasn't left me since.

i sobbed all the way home
with an overwhelming grief and devastation.
i went to sleep
and woke up crying
many times through the night.

it has occurred to me
i gave up to you
but i was never allowed to give to you.
that was a pleasure and gift
you guarded selfishly for yourself.

i want to know that you really are moving
forward
with your life not stagnating and floundering
in your infested pool of self loathing.

this is what you broke my heart for?

i sure hope it's worth it.