all or nothing
i am not worried
i love this song.someone i loved too much sent it to me
with some other songs i wanted really badly.
i didn't listen to it.
she'd said it was how she felt about someone else
i couldn't bear to hear her heart in lyrical motion
when i knew it was not for me.
it was too painful at the time.
i listened this last weekend and it blew me away.
i cried and shook
i understood.
it's about timing and holding your breath and fear of what is happening
it's about not knowing what to say or do.
it's about letting go and falling with no thought for the consequences.
i have remained responsible and conscientious always.
i have declined more times than i care to remember
and i have hid behind anything i could find
and i have held on to a shattered ego with a grip of steel
and wielded cynicism, pessimism, and skepticism until i am an expert and can wound only me.
i have had wishful moments
i have settled for less a few times
i have kept things secret and pushed people away
i have ignored the obvious
i have smiled as i crushed egos with 'friendship' statements
i have closed off that whole part of my life and given up.
. . . . .
so, here i am, now.
and i don't know why and i don't know how and i simply do not care.
i, miss responsible, do not care about consequences and it feels great.