i have been tired.
so very, very tired.
i don't know whybut i can get 8 hours of night sleep and be wiped in 12 hours of day
or get 4 hours of day sleep and go all afternoon and night.
my new job has an insane start time
even the freaky 'normal' people don't usually consider getting up this early
i have to be up by 3:45am.
i am driving by 5am
even in a major city, there is a quiet time
when only the fucking insane are on the road.
this is that time.
where i was going with my soliloquy is this:
i'm exhausted by 3pm and barely make it home
i somnambulate through the evening
and i'm out early early early.
and i'm sorry.
i have also been a little depressed lately.
[understatement alert |-| level 2 / ennui]i had a very long talk with my love
and explained to him that i don't feel attractive right now
i don't feel wanted
i don't feel like he takes me seriously as a person.
i explained that most of it stemmed from my depression
that the smallest unintentional slight will be magnified
that i become paranoid and bitter for no reason
i will retaliate when you haven't done anything wrong.
i know this is wrong and i try oh so hard not to be this way
i want to ignore the voices
telling me he'll run away
whispering i'm ugly
intimating that i have no real friends,
only stone hearts behind masks of insincerity.
i can know all that i do
and it doesn't stop this from happening.
on one hand,
i'm happier that i've ever been in my life.
on the other,
i'm in the mildest depression i have ever been in.
it feels like tired and it tastes like chicken.
boring. bland. tasteless.
i want it all back
but i just can't reach the passion i know is right there
just out of reach in this tartarus i have made for myself.
i can almost taste these grapes . . .
resensitize me
revitalize me
wake me up from this dreamless sleep
show me that it doesn't have to stay this way forever
promise me i'm not so numb from the pain
that i can't feel pleasure
stay with me and play with my hair as i fall asleep in your arms . . .
i love you fiercely, my love.
i need you desperately.
i don't know how to tell you.
and talking to myself here will not fix my defective soul