i just want to be liked

doesn't that sound pathetic?

i want conversation and camaraderie
i want to feel new
i need to feel needed.

i don't give an inch i don't want to
but i'd give my last dime to a friend for a smile

i won't back down
i can't slow down
i am driven to please
i don't know how to stop.

i have paranoias

so strong that they are pure emotion
trained and beaten into me
by sharp words and blunt looks
malicious whispers and malevolent stares.

when push comes to shove
and i'm on my knees
my face to the floor
my hair in my eyes
will you understand it will never be you
that i prostrate myself for
that it is and will always be
myself
my worst enemy
my harshest critic
that i try so hard to please.

you have no idea what i do to myself
the things i think and feel
the hideous monster i harbor
within my deepest heart
that tears away at me daily
with rage and hatred
envy and jealousy
deep depression
and a fatalistic glee.

the desires i feel any day
frighten me deeply
so much that i curl up
tighter on the inside
and pretend to not see the truth about me
that i am really cruel and mean
petty and pissed the fuck off

i don't like me and you shouldn't, either
trust me on this.
sadly that is what i fear most . . .

i just don't know sometimes.

i think i'm lost in here
and forgot how to get out.

entry sixty written 2002-12-17