far too often i lose. sadly, the only one i really compete against is me.

every time that i choose to 'sit this one out', opt for 'a few more minutes'

sleep', or decide on the fried chicken tenders instead of the grilled

chicken platter, i have lost.

i'm at war within myself and i can't seem to reconcile the sides and be a

whole person again. all i want is to be happy and in control. all i do is

relish in my lack of control with wild abandon. i damn near wallow at times.

i am tired of emotionally and financially draining 'friends', i'm tired of

being in pain, i'm tired of being sick, i'm tired of gaining weight i don't

need. i'm tired of hiding at home and avoiding the rest of the world by

sleeping off all this 'tiredness'.

i am officially depressed.

i can't hide it or pretend it's not there anymore. it is right there, to the

left and back, creeping up, staring at me, stalking, with it's great gaping

maw stretched open, ready to swallow me down. i would be consumed by the

nothing; destroyed by emptiness.

i feel like crying.

so i ate an ice cream sandwich.